In the news this week
This past week was monumental. The inauguration of a new president, the changing of the guard, the historic opportunity for renewal and reconciliation with our political foes. A time for speeches, poetry and pre-recorded music.
A time for Fox News executives to flip the Master Opinion Switch from “suck up” to “blow up.”
I participated in this opportunity for renewal by getting trimming my excessively lengthy tresses, which altered my appearance to that of a 12 year old. Specifically, this 12 year old.
But amidst the fracas and the hoo-hahing and the soleful cries of saddened conservatives howling at the moon, a few news items fell through the cracks.
ITEM: Senator Russ Feingold (D – Green Bay Packers) proposed a constitutional amendment to require special elections in the case of Senate vacancies.
Currently, when senators leave office mid-term due to death, retirement, sudden hatred of democracy, etc. they are replaced according to the laws of their home state. Some states, such as Wisconsin and Oregon, already require special elections. Many states have gubernatorial appointments, which can be a problem when your governor is either a) blind and unable to conduct evaluations based upon physical appearance (like the rest of the country can, gosh darnit!) or b) a f**king nutjob.
Some states, however, have slightly less conventional processes.
- ALASKA: Moose hunting competition coupled with a long-distance eye exam. Candidates MUST be able to see Russia, preferably from their place of residence.
- ARIZONA: Candidates are taken out into the desert with nothing more than a stick to ward off scorpions and a topographic map of Canada. After the inevitable fight with sticks used as lightsabers, the last person alive is declared senator. The winner must then change his or her legal name to “John McCain.”
- CALIFORNIA: Candidates are chosen for their intelligence, knowledge of public policy, and ability to make the rest of America mutter “goddamn Californians” under their breath.
ITEM: The World Underwater Ironing Record, for years in the hands of the Australians, has now returned to its rightful place in the United Kingdom. I am not making this up. According to the BBC, 128 British scuba divers braved freezing temperatures to iron clothing up to 20 meters (or 3.7 parsecs) underwater.
Ironing clothing.
In freezing water.
I wish I could make a joke here about some sort of even MORE ridiculous “World Record,” but sadly I cannot. Maybe something involving Ty Twigg and the word ‘what.’
ITEM: Democrats have discovered the importance of words.
WASHINGTON – President Obama today delivered his first major speech dealing with Iran.
“For years, George Bush and fellow Republicans mastered the use of words to frame debates. They successfully passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which turned our schools into forgotten wastelands ruled by packs of foreign-language students while kids in band desperately try to remember how turn their tubas into radios to call for help. They enacted the Clean Skies Act, which killed millions in Los Angeles when the smog became sentient and went on a rampage through Hollywood.”
“They passed the Help America Vote Act, which worked to prevent several groups from voting, such as college students, union members and anyone who has ever visited San Francisco.”
“It has long been time for my own party to learn how to manipulate and distort language in order to achieve OUR mischievous ends. And so now, today, I am proud to announce the start of one of my campaign promises. Today, the United States will engage in Direct Diplomacy with Iran.”
“The missile strikes will begin shortly.”
As always, positive feedback will be rewarded with candy and sunshine, rainbows and fairy dust. People who return negative feedback will disappear from their beds in the dead of night. Contributions always welcome – thanks to Chris Naruto for finding the article on Underwater Ironing.
